Chinese Wedding Traditions

Almost all of the information that records the elements of traditional Chinese wedding ceremony is generally credited to scholars of the Warring States period, 402-221 B.C.E. The Book of Rites, The Book of Etiquette and Ceremonial, and the Baihu Tong outline elements necessary to a marriage. The full ritual being so complicated, it is not surprising that etiquette was changed and simplified.

The core remained. The primary objectives of wedding customs were to uphold the concepts of joining and enhancing the two families and ensuring succession with numerous descendants. Reverence to parents and ancestors, omens to encourage fertility and wealth, financial and social obligations contracted by both families at the betrothal, extensive gift giving etiquette, and the bride's incorporation into her husband's family are recurring elements which have survived time and change.

Ancient Marriage Customs

In olden days and for some traditional Chinese today, all communication was through formal letters, which played an important role in the betrothal and wedding process. There are three letters.

  1. The Request Letter confirms the formal arrangement of a marriage and is sent by the groom's family to the bride's family. This letter usually accompanies the first gifts for the bride's family.
  2. The Gift Letter accompanies the formal gifts for the Bride's family. In actuality it is a gift registry which records and describes the value of the gifts.
  3. Wedding Letter is given to the bride's family on the actual wedding day. It is a confirmation of the act of bringing the bride into the groom's family.

The Chinese word for etiquette has a double meaning --- customs and gifts.

There are Six Etiquettes (traditional steps to the wedding process).

The ritualized process begins with the Proposal, an elaborate marriage proposal and acceptance. This process was traditionally placed in the hands of a go-between, who acted as a buffer between the two parties. This role is much like that of today's real estate agent. Note that it is the parents of the bride and groom, not the bride and groom themselves who are the players in the Proposal.

After the groom's family identifies a young girl whom they believe to be a good choice for the groom-to-be, the family will hire a spokeswoman, who will act as a go-between and will communicate their wish to the potential bride's family. In days of old, elderly ladies or midwives were hired as the spokeswoman for the groom. She presented gifts to the girl's parents and determined how they felt about the match. Through a sometimes arduous process of mediation and negotiation, the spokeswoman persuades the potential bride's family to accept the offer from the groom's family. Both sides will negotiate certain terms. If successful, both families will proceed to the next step which is to obtain the date and hour of the girl's birth, which is subsequently recorded on a formal document.

Request for the Bride and Groom's Birth Dates

Through the spokeswoman, the family of the groom will ask for the bride's "Eight Letters." In the Chinese calendar there are 22 "letters" used to represent dates. Ten are known as 'Tian Gan' and twelve as 'Di Zhi'. Two letters are used to represent the year, month, day and time. Together, the eight letters will accurately represent the bride's birth date.

The groom's family would place the "Eight Letters" on the ancestral altar for three days, during which time they hoped there would be no inauspicious omens. If during that time, there were, for example, quarrels between the parents, the groom's parents would give the information to an astrological expert to confirm that the young woman and their son would make a good match. This fortune telling master could presumably determine whether the two match each other. Only after both outcomes were favorable, would the two families arrange to meet face-to-face to each evaluated the other in terms of appearance, education, character, and social position. If both were pleased with the outcome of the meeting, they would proceed to the betrothal.

The formal Betrothal process begins with both sets of parents exchanging family credentials as tokens of intention. In a prolonged bargaining session, the two families would determine the sum of money and goods that would make up the gift to the girl's family. The groom's family will pick a "good day" to send the bride's family a variety of bridal gift including, cash, cakes, food and sacrifices for worshiping the ancestors. After presenting engagement tokens, the go-between would ask the bride's family to choose among several auspicious wedding dates suggested by the boy's family and also set a date for presenting betrothal gifts. The girl's family would reciprocate with gifts of food and clothing. These acts are the confirmation of the marriage agreement between the two families.

It was customary for the girl's family to distribute the bridal cakes they received from the boy's family to friends and relatives. This custom represented a formal announcement and invitation to the wedding feast. The number of cakes given to each recipient, followed strict rules of etiquette which were based on seniority and the level of the relationship. The recipients of pieces of bridal cakes, were expected to present congratulatory gifts to the girl's parents. In all probability, the bride and groom would not yet have met, nevertheless, the betrothal was considered binding unless both families agreed to annul the contract. It should be noted also that the bride was "given" to the family rather not to the groom alone.

Now came the gift-giving turn of the bride's parents. Several days after receiving the betrothal gifts, the girl's family would send carriers with an inventoried dowry to the boy's house. The dowry consisted of practical items and might have included a chamber pot, filled for the occasion with fruit and strings of coins. This process gave the girl's family an opportunity to show off their social status and the degree of their love for their daughter. Wealthy parents often included serving girls to attend their daughter in her new home.

The engagement (betrothal) period might have lasted for a year or two. In the common practice of child betrothals, this allowed the children to grow to marriageable age.

Preparations for the Wedding Day

In preparing to leave her home, the prospective bride was permitted to retreat from regular household chores. She lived in seclusion, in a separate part of the house, accompanied by her closest friends. This was a time when the bride's young women friends sang laments, mourning the bride's separation from her family and "cursing" the go-between, the groom's family and even the girl's own parents. This pre-wedding ritual often took place in the cockloft, so that the bride's emergence on her wedding day was sometimes referred to as "coming out of the cockloft."

How different the "bachelor party" of today's American society is from the traditional Chinese custom of preparing the bridal bed. It was the groom's job to oversee the installation of the bridal bed on the day before the wedding. First a "good hour" needed to be chosen. Then, a "good luck man or woman" (one with many children and living mates), were selected to help install the newly purchased bed. The ceremony was very simple. It consisted of moving the bed slightly. The real work was done by servants or friends.

After the bed was in place, as an omen of fertility, children were invited to pile onto it. Red dates, oranges, lotus seeds, peanuts, pomegranates and other fruits were scattered and the bed and the children had the joyful task of scrambling for the goodies.

The Wedding Day

The bride's "Hair Dressing" and the groom's "Capping" Ritual are signs of their entering adulthood. Red is the traditional Chinese symbol of joy and is a theme repeated in the wedding clothing and other ritual wedding objects.

The "Hair Dressing" Ritual

Early on her wedding day, or on the night before, the bride bathed in water infused with pumelo ( a variety of grapefruit). The process was meant to cleanse her of evil influences, but also served to soften her skin. The bride was attended by a "‘good luck woman," who spoke auspicious words while dressing the bride's hair in the style of a married woman. The bride put on new underclothes and sat before lit dragon-and-phoenix candles. Then, once her hair was styled, she emerged from her retreat and was carried to the main hall on the back of the "good luck" woman or her most senior sister-in-law. There she put on her wedding jacket, skirt and red shoes. The bride's face was covered with either a red silk veil or a "curtain" of tassels or beads which hung from the bridal Phoenix crown. She ended her bridal preparation with a bow to her parents and to the ancestral tablets. There she waited for the bridal procession to arrive from the groom's house.

The "Capping" Ritual

The groom was dressed in a long gown, red shoes, a red silk sash with a silk ball on his shoulder. He knelt at the family altar as his father put a cap decorated with cypress leaves on his head. To complete these ritual, the groom would bow before the tablets of Heaven and Earth, his ancestors, his parents and, finally, before the assembled family members. Then, his father would remove the silk ball from the sash and place it on top of the bridal sedan chair.

Procession from the Groom's House to Obtain the Bride

Firecrackers, gongs and drums signaled the start of the procession, led by the groom. Accompanying the groom was a child, omen of future sons, the bridal sedan chair, attendants with lanterns and banners, musicians, and a "dancing" lion or unicorn.

Because traditions varied from region to region, there were some cases in which the groom stops to have dinner with the bride's family. There he would receive a pair of chopsticks and two wine goblets wrapped in red paper. These gifts were symbolic of his receiving the joy of the family in the person of their daughter. In some regions, the groom would be presented with other symbolic gifts . . . sweet longan tea, two hard-boiled eggs in syrup and transparent noodles. Yet another regional custom was the groom's given soup with a soft-boiled egg He was expected to break the yolk of the egg as a symbol of breaking the bride's ties with her family.

The Bride Journeys to the Groom's House

The "good luck woman" (dajin) continued her role of attending to the bride, whom she carried on her back to the sedan chair. The chair was heavily curtained to prevent the bride from seeing anything which could be unlucky. Firecrackers frightened away evil spirits. The procession symbolized the transfer of the bride from her parent's family to her husband's. Female attendants were chosen with great care, their horoscopes checked to see that they were compatible with that of the bridegroom. Attendants scattered grain or beans, symbols of fertility, before the bride, while others might have shielded the bride with a parasol and tossed rice. Occasionally, the bride was carried in a sort of wooden "cage," her feet padlocked. One assumes that this custom dates back to a time when reluctant brides were treated indelicately. A sieve (shai-tse) to strain out evil, and a metallic mirror, to reflect light, were suspended at the rear of the bride's sedan. A special mirror might also have been attached to the bride's garment, not to be removed until she was safely seated upon the marriage bed.

Arriving at the Groom's House

To the sound of firecrackers, the procession arrived. A red mat was placed before the sedan chair, to prevent the bride's feet from touching the ground. The entire household greeted her, as stepped over a saddle or a lit stove to cross the threshold. The words for "saddle" and "tranquillity" (ngan) sound the same, as he fire would cast out of evil influences. An attendant might heap rice in a sieve over or near the bride. If the bride had a lucky mirror, it would, at this time, be used to flash light on the bride. In some regions, a grain measure and a string of copper coins were laid out as talismans of prosperity. After these rituals took place, the groom could finally raise the red scarf and view the bride's face.

The Wedding Ceremony

The wedding ceremony itself was simple. Bride and groom were lead to the family altar, to pay homage to Heaven and Earth, the family ancestors and the Kitchen God, Tsao-Chün. Tea, with two lotus seeds or two red dates in the cup, was offered to the groom's parents.

Bride and groom bowed to each other and the marriage ceremony was completed. In some regions both also drank wine from the same goblet, ate sugar molded in the form of a rooster, and shared the wedding dinner.

The Nuptial Chamber

After the ceremony, the newlywed couple is led return to the bridal room. Sometimes, "rowdy" friends came along to tease the young couple and play tricks on the groom. The bride and groom sat on the bed. Honey and wine were poured into two goblets linked by a red thread. The bride and groom took a few sips and then exchanged cups and drank it down. The spokeswoman offered sweets and fruits to the couple, wishing them long life and an abundance of children.

The Wedding Banquets

Parents of the bride and the groom prepared feasts for their respective friends and families. Men and women sat separately. There could be a one or a series of feasts (over several days), the most important of which was the one given the groom's family on the day of the wedding. It was considered a public recognition of the union.

Symbolism plays a role in Chinese weddings as it does in the wedding traditions of other countries. One custom, still followed at many traditional wedding banquets, is that of using a red ribbon to tie a glass of wine together with a glass of honey. The ribbon symbolizes "tying" the couple together, with wishes of a sweet future.

Post-Wedding Ritual

On the day after the wedding, the bride awoke early to honor the ancestors. It was only then that she was then formally introduced to the groom's relatives and friends. She knelt before each of the older relatives, from whom she received a small gift. According to her husband's seniority, the bride's parents-in-law gave her a title.

Three days after the wedding, the couple visited the bride's family home, where, for the first time, the bride was received as a guest.

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